Texas Tourist Rules for Non-Texans

Austin, Texas

How to act like a tourist to the Lone Star State

Ima Hogg - Texas Lady
Ima Hogg - Texan to the bone!
The County Line Restaurant on the Lake
Texas Barbecue!
Tom Landry
Texas Cowboys!

Touring and Traveling around the great state of Texas!

The Lone Star State ...

Pretty much every town and city in Texas has a Waffle House, House of Pancakes, Denny's and other 24 hour breakfast joints. Why would anyone order a steak when you go to these places? Get yourself a good ol' hearty breakfast instead. Even if it's two in the afternoon! Eat steak at the great steak houses of Texas, like the Double Nickel in Lubbock. And definitely try our world famous barbecue. In Austin, it's the County Line on the Lake for an incredible Texan experience!

Most restaurants in Texas do not serve Sushi. Most restaurants serve Tex-Mex food or steaks, or Bar-B-Que. We love to deep fry stuff too. In fact, it's one of the biggest contests at the State Fair in Dallas every year.

Our food is not over cooked, yours is under cooked. Especially your excuse for barbecue. If it takes less than 18 hours to cook, it ain't tender yet.

Texas names:

We once had a governor of Texas who had two daughters - Ima Hogg, and Ura Hogg. Ima was known as the First Lady of Texas. Jimmy Lee, Linda Jean, Verna Lynn, and Andy were my siblings names. If you think Texas names are to be made fun of, please think again. All of these guys will kick your ass for making fun of their names.

How to order a refreshing beverage in Texas:

I was raised on Coca-Cola. Everywhere we went, we ordered Cokes. We didn't order Pop, or Pepsi, or Soda, or even Cola. We also didn't use straws. I remember thinking those that use a straw to drink with really suck.


Women from this state flirt a lot. Our mamas taught us how to do it. If your mama didn't then don't think we do it because we're interested in you. We just like to flirt. Remember, we are also packing pistols. We have handgun laws (open-carry law), and are allowed to carry unconcealed weapons. You never know when a rattlesnake will cross your path.

Dallas Cowboys, UT Austin, Texas Aggies, and Football:

I don't know much about football, but the Dallas Cowboys have always been America's team. College teams seem to have a big rivalry, especially UT Austin and those crazy Aggies. I've probably forgotten more Aggie jokes than non-Texans will ever know. So tourists should brush up on these teams before engaging a Texan in a conversation about football.

Are Texans Dumb?

Texans actually have better education than most state citizens. So don't think of us as a bunch of hillbillies or nut cakes. We're also friendlier and nicer to boot. We do talk this way just to piss you off though. Any Texan can immediately tell when you talk that you are or are not from here.

Is it hot in Texas?

Yep, it's hot. Quit whining, spend your money and go back home. Put on a bathing suit and jump in the local watering hole. Turn on the air conditioner. Get naked, whatever!

Driving in Texas:

No, the state symbol of Texas is not the orange and white highway barrel. Constant road construction is something we all have to put up with in order to see progress. However, the amount of people moving down here from the North is really starting to be annoying. Building roads cannot happen fast enough.

Texans drive FRIENDLY! We will wait for you to cut in front of us because we know you will return the favor. A real Texan will give you a little wave to say thanks! A yankee (any non-Texan) will honk and give you the bird. We also use our turn signals just to give you a heads up.

How Texan conversations should go:

We really Don't care how much better it is back wherever it is that you are from. Texas has lots of Interstate highways, get on one.

Kiss my ass is a perfectly acceptable way to conclude an argument. The is the standard closing of 99.9% of every conversational contest. You will either kiss it or walk away.

Tour the Lone Star State

Texas has 5 separate and distinct areas. Not every Texan is a pistol-packing cowboy riding a horse into the tumble weeds.

  • The Panhandle - Rugged and cold.
  • West Texas - Beautiful and vast
  • North Texas, Dallas/Ft. Worth area - a lot like Detroit and New York City combined
  • Central Texas - The heart and soul of the state. Keep Austin Weird!
  • The Gulf Coast - Playground of Texas. Great beaches and interesting tourist action.

A Texas Sunset

Texas sunset

This article was and is originally written by me, ©L.A. Cargill. Please don't steal the content.

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